sometimes i feel unappreciated. that feeling when u did everything for your friend but they dont appreciate that, instead bring yourself down like saying words u dont deserve. maybe its my fault. maybe its ur fault. maybe its our fault. or maybe its no one's fault. if its my fault, then i'm sorry. if its your fault, i personally think u shouldnt say something like that. to me. to that one person that did sacrifices to spend time with u.

and then i realized, 'why bother staying with the ones who dont appreciate u? who make u feel worthless? why bother thinking about the ones who let u down? when there are other people who appreciate u and make u feel wanted, and appreciated.

i think sometimes its stupid to hurt yourselves just because u want to take care of others' feelings. what matters most is urself. put urself on top. stop thinking about other people first. sometimes in life u have to be mean, just to never let them bring u down.

screw everyone that takes their friends for granted. u deserve a lonely life in this world

so hi. it has been ages since i last visited this blog. i've been busy with my project paper, teaching practicum and all. i got SK Bukit Tunggal as my teaching place, along with my 3 other close friends, ummi, nasha and mimi. my first day there was nerve wrecking, left unisza at 640am (THAT early) cause we didn't want to stuck up in traffic jam, first day of working should leave good first impression on the employers, shouldn't it? haha ok then we arrived at school at 700am, WE WERE THE FIRST 4 TEACHERS TO ARRIVE THAT DAY hahaha oh the first senior assistant of the school arrived just right after us, his car was behind ours. good first impression? we got that hah. during the assembly, we prayed hard not to be introduced by the headmaster 'cause we were nervous as hell, but i guess our prayers didn't go through when the headmaster suddenly said, 'harini kita ada 4 orang guru pelatih baru dari unisza. semua 4 teachers boleh bangun dan perkenalkan diri masing2'. imagine having to introduce ourselves in front of approximately 600 teachers and students. when it was my turn, i stuttered a bit, 'assa... assalamualaikum and....(looked if there's non muslim) good morning, i'm amal..... hayati, just call me teacher...ummm amal and i...i came from sela... kajang, selangor'. haha trust me i was really nervous at that time, my hands were cold, my whole body was trembling and i had stomachache (due to nervousness, yes). but during the first day in the end, I FELT GOOD! TEACHER AMAL FELT GOOD, probably because all teachers and students warmly welcomed us, and we felt appreciated. pictures? hehe

took lots of pictures cause we were quite free for our first week.

and i've been assigned to teach 2 ibnu amru and 4 ibnu amru, no minor subjects which is alhamdulillah haha cause honestly i suck in bm, seni, maths, pjk or whatever. my first class was a relief class at 5 ibnu abbas(last class). they were stubborn, they were rude, they didn't listen to me, they didn't see me as a teacher. i was upset, i nearly gave up there, i almost cried at that time, i held back for 20 minutes. i sat at the teacher's table, watched them making loud noises, ran from the back to the front, fought with their friends. was i invisible? i kept thinking to myself, 'this is my first class and its a mess, will i fail during my real teaching, won't the kids listen to me like how they are doing right now? will i fail? what should i do?' reflected myself.... i shouldn't give up now, that was my first class, and it was only a relief class. thought about myself when i was in standard 5 which was 9 years ago, what did i want from a teacher, what did i expect from a teacher, what made me got interested in learning english etc... told myself to do a self reflection that night haha and it worked during my first real class at 4 ibnu amru! 

gonna continue my teaching practicum story later ya! (like anyone ever reads my blog, pft)

"I’m starting to get over the one I used to call my best friend. I’ve told you that I didn’t wanted to give up on her like others had given up on me, but every time I got worse. At first I thought that if I had given up on our friendship I would be selfish. But, you can’t be selfish when your happiness 
in between, right? 

I decided not to hate her. Maybe she had her reasons for why she treated me the way she did. I will never know. Specially now since I have decided not to talk to her anymore. It’s not like I stopped talking to her like she did. I sent her a message (we haven’t seen each other for a while due to her behaviour). I told her that I couldn’t wait until she came around and decided to talk to me again. I told her that I wouldn’t bother her anymore. In my point of view, I think I did the right thing. At least I told her, didn’t I? It’s better than to walk away without a single word said. 

A friend of mine told me that I was doing the right thing by not hating her or having hard feelings towards her. He told me that I am a good person and an extraordinary friend. It’s nice to know someone feels that way about me. But if that were true then why did she left? Maybe she’s too fucked up for me to comprehend. 

The point is that I’m trying to be a better person. And to learn from this experience. I have a lot of better things to worry about like getting into the university, being a better daughter, sister, and friend, and exploring new things. I still have my friend who went back to our old school. We don’t talk as much as we used to but I’m fine. I have decided that I won’t let insignificant things affect me, not anymore. I am starting to learn how to love myself. 

I’m in such a great mood and I hope you are, too. I have decided to start to go out again, take pictures, ride my bike, hang out with friends, walk by myself. I’m not trying to avoid anything by this I’m just not waiting for something to happen."

"My best friends in the world have all left and nothing will change that. I’ve been through so much with them. They’ve always been there for me, and I’ve been there for them. We all thought the two months over the summer holidays was long enough, but now it’s forever. I’m not going to see them everyday like before. Even if I made more friends like I’d hoped it won’t help because I just miss them. I just miss them. I wish things didn’t have to change, I wish we didn’t have to grow up. Or I did. Until now. Now I want to leave, I want things to change. I can’t stand the thought of this whole entire year without anyone. While I turn 18. While I go to my last formal. While I finally grow up. Nothing is as I thought it would be. I never could have imagined finishing high school like this. But if everything had gone as I’d thought so much would have been different. I might not have even met those best friends that have left me. In fact, I definitely wouldn’t have"

found these posts on tumblr. they really fit my situation. i miss them.i miss our laughters. i miss my best friends. i miss hazirah, along and the one i miss the most, dya. if only we didn't have to be apart :(

6th of April 2012

"hi, i wish i can start all over again at zero"

i'd never forget this date and these words

lethargic

mom went to Makkah to perform her umrah. i miss her.

countdown : 9 days left

:(

Things can only get worse from here.

upset

Nobody seems to care and yet I’m always the person who welcomes them with open arms, listens to every ‘crisis’ or stupid story they have to tell. I’m the shoulder they could cry on I’m the ears that will listen and try to help, but now, now I’m tired. Don’t get me wrong I will be there for my friends any time of day/night.. However..Can the tables turn for once or is this a story of a fool giving away all his food and self?